The Roller Coaster Comes with the Ticket
I thought my first week was a crazy emotional roller coaster. I was wrong. Monday and Tuesday of week two, I was really enjoying my time here and was not crying or homesick! That’s how I was most all of Wednesday as well until I got into bed. This is the most dangerous time for feeling homesick or missing people, also when you have a dream about them and you wake up wishing that dream was your reality, because not so long ago it was your reality (that’s a way I never thought homesickness would get me). Or actually just any time you happen to be alone with your thoughts for too long. Anyways, I got frustrated because I felt as though I wasn’t hearing back from the people I missed as much as I thought I should be hearing back from them (didn’t make a schedule with them so that’s my own fault). Then after another crappy night’s sleep, I woke up and pretty much couldn’t stop crying at school. It was extremely hard to explain how I was feeling at the time but basically I wasn’t necessarily homesick, I just couldn’t focus on anything else besides getting home and skyping my parents and boyfriend. Here’s the thing: I have moved from my home (which I loved and had a great life in) two times in a year and a half. I know the difference between feeling homesick and missing my people from home. My mom helped me put it into words, “There’s a difference between clinging and cherishing.” I just needed, that day, to be able to cherish my loved ones so far. I needed to see their faces. I also needed them to know that this adventure is not me on a vacation. It’s me thousands of miles away from my home (again) and it’s me having to be a new girl in a new school where I know no one (again) but this time it’s even harder because I don’t even have my own mom to hug when I get frustrated and tired of not being able to communicate to my teachers and classmates or even with my new friends and host family. And it’s difficult because sometimes 5 months will feel like they will fly by and at other times it feels like the end is no where in sight and I have little to look forward to. Everything is new, and that is the Grand Adventure but it is also scary as hell and an uphill battle. Just because I decided to go doesn’t make not very hard for me. It’s very easy in the hard moments to totally forget why I decided to leave my friends and family.
But never fear the upside is here (to remind me why I purchased the tickets to this pain)! Because it isn’t just pain, there more than one would hope for at first, but here is what reminds me why this adventure is worth it: I am not visiting France, I am LIVING in France. This will look great on college apps. I’m going to be able to tell these stories to my friends, family, and even future kids someday! I am learning a language I’ve always wanted to and see myself improving and remembering new words all the time. I have little achievements every day and week to look forward to (i.e. realizing I said a whole sentence right and making new friends). I have amazing friends here to give me a hug when I need it. The long and fun shopping adventures in downtown Rennes with new friends (did that yesterday). My host family is so great in so many ways. My teachers are crazy nice and understanding (with the exceptional one or two). I have the best support system back at home in the States. The food, even at my school, is to die for! And last but not least at all, I remember that I came on this journey for me. No one else told me that this is something I needed to do to feel fulfilled in life or that I needed to do something out of my comfort zone. I told myself that I needed to prove to myself that if I wanted something I would go to great lengths and emotional tolls to get it (i.e. having to leaving those I love and trust they’ll still be there when I get back). I want to meet new people and learn a new culture and language. And it must be reminded that even though there are bad times, the good times are there to get you though.