Author: Maggie Jefferson

Choosing to move across the world was the first completely selfish decision I have ever made.  It was the first time that I really didn’t care what other people thought about my choices.  I didn’t think about how my leaving would affect my friends, my niece and nephew, my mom, or my dog.  My only concern was how this move would impact me.  I was sick of living in regret and fear and I knew the only way to get out of my rut was to take this leap of faith and move abroad.  It did not matter to me at that moment in my life who was affected.

I had very limited expectations of what I was going to experience.  All I knew was that I was going to be a teacher, but I did not know where in Thailand I would be or what grade I would be teaching.  I could have ended up down south, up north, or in Bangkok but I ended up in the center of the rural northeastern region known as Isan in the small town of Phayakkaphum Phisai at the primary school of Anuban Iam Sook.  I did not know how my initially introverted personality was going to fit in to this town.  I did not know if and how I was going to make any friends.

I realized very quickly into my stay that I had nothing to worry about.  I had natural curiosity to learn everything I could about the Thai culture and Phayak had an interest in knowing what a foreigner was doing in their town.  From the very beginning it was a match made in heaven!  The town opened up to me and embraced me quickly once they realized that my only purpose in their town was to teach their children and to learn their culture.  Walking to and from the market each day I smile hearing students both from Iam Sook and those from other schools yell out “Teacher Tracy” and ask me how I am doing.  Vendors at the market know me by name and what I like to order.  Store owners smile when I walk in the door.  It is a great feeling every day, but those are superficial interactions with people on the street.

What I never imaged when I moved to Thailand was the true and genuine friendships I would make here and the impact it would have on myself and them when it comes time for my departure.  I have friendships here that are identical to my friendships at home.  Friends that I can sit around for hours and laugh with while sipping beer.  Friends that I can share news with both good and bad.  Friends that will take me to the doctor when I am bit by a mysterious bug that causes my lips to instantly swell at night.  Friends that I know I can count on for anything.  Throughout this year we have all learned that speaking the same language is just one small part of a friendship.  We have the power of “google translate” to help us fill in the missing words when needed.  What we have all learned is that the most important part of friendship is being there for each other in any situation.  This past Sunday I was eating lunch  with my friends Pi Nok, Pi Fon and Lin.  We were chatting and laughing and then Teacher Lin shows me her cell phone and on google translate it says “destiny” and Pi Nok shows me her cell phone with the word “fortune.”  They were telling me that destiny and good fortune brought us together and I could not agree more.  Nothing else could explain how I ended up here in Phayakkaphum Phisai.  Destiny and good fortune.

Yesterday I booked my flight home to America.  I will be returning to Minnesota on January 18, 2017.  I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now.  Although it is still seven months away it seems so near.  Reality is starting to hit that this home I have built and the friends I have made is all about to be nothing more than fond memories and stories I will be able to pass down.  Nobody back home will ever be able to relate to the exact experience I am having now.  People may have similar stories about their travels abroad, but nothing will be able to compare to mine.  I have not traveled abroad, I have lived abroad.  I know, however, that even after I return to Minnesota I will always be able to come home to Phayakkaphum Phisai.

Being here as made me realize that it is ok to be selfish sometimes.  It is ok to do things just for me.  Moving abroad has transformed me into a person I always dreamt of being.  A person I would have never discovered if I hadn’t decided to be selfish.  I am stronger than I ever knew.  I am flexible.  I am able to adapt and fit into any community I desire.  I am able to do things on my own.  I don’t need to fear living ever again.  I am ok being selfish every now and again.  I am ok being me.

Yesterday was my last day teaching for the semester.  Next week is finals followed by a week of relaxing in Phayakkaphum Phisai and then off to travel southeast Asia for 9 weeks.  This post is going to be dedicated to my P1 MEP class.  The students that taught “Teacher Tracy” how to be a teacher.  My 39 monkeys that shaped me into the teacher I always dreamt of being.  My 39 monkeys that pushed me to my limits and then gave me big hugs at the end of the day.

Back in America I had plenty of experience working with kids.  I was a preschool teacher, a camp director for 5 years, a 9th grade religious school teacher, I taught adults with autism social skills and I was a coordinator for youth and family education at an elementary school for 4 years.  I was 32 years old and had 10 years professionally working with children.  Although I did not have any formal classroom experience I was still probably more prepared than most people entering the Teach in Thailand program.  I was confident I was going to be a great teacher here, almost verging on the edge of cockiness.

But then my first day came and I was hit like a ton of bricks….

Everything I knew about working with children in America was not going to work with these kiddos!  I was given a class of 39 first graders, none of who spoke English, and was told to teach them math, science, English and health.  I realized quickly with these kiddos that me talking to them was not going to cut it.  The more I talked the more blank stares I received and the naughtier my kids started behaving.  Then on Thanksgiving, about 4 weeks into the semester, I showed a short “Charlie Brown” movie and I heard the teacher portrayed in the movie “Wah wah wah wah wah.”  That was me to the kids.  They didn’t understand a word I was saying.  I was nothing more than a sound to them.

It was on that day that I realized it was me who had to change if I wanted them to learn anything this semester, not them.  I am the teacher and I had to take change quickly or the semester would have been a waste.  I started spending my weekends creating PowerPoint presentations on everything filled with visuals, I would search through youtube archives for fun and simple songs, I broke down small concepts into even smaller ones and realized it was ok if it took my students one or two weeks to learn them, I realized that mastery was more important than amount of information taught, I learned how to empathize with my students, I danced, I laughed, I sang and I loved.

As the semester went on things began to fall into place.  I began to truly fall in love with teaching and my students.  I put in far more than 40 hours a week because I cared.  I cared so much for these students and wanted so much for them to succeed.  I could empathize with my students, but I could not relate to the experience they were going through.  Imagine being 6 & 7 years old and being taught the foundations of education (math, science, English and health) in a language completely foreign to you.  Imagine being sick in class and trying to explain what is wrong to a teacher that speaks a different language and stares at you blankly.  Imagine if another student is teasing you and you try to tell your teacher and she just nods but offers no solutions.  So, what did I do?  I spent my nights watching “Learn Thai” videos on YouTube so I could speak a little to my students in their own language and begin to understand their needs or interject a few Thai words into my lessons to help them achieve a better understanding.  I changed up the health curriculum and taught my students English words for health ailments so they could communicate to me when they had a headache, stomachache, sore throat, earache, toothache and various other illnesses.  I taught them feelings words so when asked “How are you?” I didn’t get the robot response of “I am fine thank you and you.”  My students learned to tell me if they were happy, sad, angry, hungry, thirsty, tired, hot, etc.  I met my students at their level and dropped the expectation of them coming up to mine.  By achieving an understanding with my students and changing my ways I was able to teach them complex concepts in math, science, health and English.  My students now know the properties of materials, how to carry numbers and perform multiple digit addition and subtraction problems, the 5 senses, healthy vs unhealthy foods, heavy and light, more and less and the list goes on.  I am so proud of my students and all they accomplished this semester.

I learned to understand my students and they learned to understand me.  We formed a very special connection that I will never have with any other class.  This was my first class.  This was the class that taught me how to be a teacher.  This was the class that made me realize there is no other job in the world more suited for me than teaching.  Although there were days when they all decided to push my buttons and test my patience I loved this group of kids and forever hold them close to my heart.  I owe any future successes in teaching to P1/1 at Anuban Iam Sook in Palan, Phayakkaphum Phisai, Maha Sarakahm.

For the first time in my life I am finally experiencing this thing called FOMO that people have been talking about for years.  FOMO…fear of missing out.  Back in the US I never experienced FOMO.  I think I had the opposite of FOMO at home, I will call it IWRSAHTBTSWNWO.  Or…I would rather stay at home than be trapped somewhere with no way out.  The moment I would get a party invite or friends would discuss going out to a bar after dinner or I would be asked spontaneously to go spend the afternoon at the mall or a beach my mind would immediately go in to panic mode.  I would begin to think of legitimate sounding excuses, think of how I could convince everyone I need to drive separately and plan my exit route in case I felt stuck.  Literally my mind would be racing and I would become nauseous.  In the end I would accept about half of the invitations I received and feel left out of the other half sitting at home with Barley.  As soon as I would arrive at a place I was always ok and ended up enjoying myself.  I am a fairly social person and am able to converse with most people I encounter.  What people never saw though was this intense anxiety that was present deep inside me BEFORE arriving at the outing.  This is a side of me that has been hidden from the outside world for years and very few people that meet me would believe I struggle from social anxiety disorder.

My first month in Thailand I still carried those social anxieties with me.  I only went out to the bars one time in my month in Chiang Mai and I refused trips to both Chiang Rai and Pai with my TESOL peers.  I wanted to go but I declined the invitations because I knew in a foreign country I would not have any control of the situation and that terrified me.  I was filled with excuses.  It is too expensive, I am too old to go out and drink, I have nothing in common with people 10 years younger than me.  As I was lying in bed a few months ago I realized that all these opportunities may only be given to me once in a lifetime.  I may have lost my only chance to get to Chiang Rai and Pai and I definitely lost opportunities to get to know the people from my TESOL group on a different level.  I am only in Thailand for a finite amount of time and I need to take advantage of every moment.  If I was just going to hide away in my cave I may as well still be in Eagan, Minnesota.

When I moved to Phayakapphum Phisai I promised myself I would be different.  I promised myself I would not let any opportunity, no matter how small, pass me by.  I decided to cast my control and fears aside and just go for it.   I did not want to miss out on anything!  For the first time of my life I have developed FOMO and it feels great!  I have been to two Thai weddings, a Buriram United football match, a Thai memorial service, drove 2 hours to Roi Et to pick up a dress for my Thai best friend’s mother, drank Chang with numerous groups of Thai teachers at dinner parties, fed the monks, swam in the Gulf of Thailand at Jomtien Beach, set a krathong a sail,  climbed 300 stairs to see a giant Buddah at Khao Kradong forest park, took a night trip to Na Dun and the list goes on.   I refuse to let any more opportunities slip by.

I still have not let my practical side go however.  I remain the fiscally responsible, well grounded self I have always been and always will be.  I have just learned how to analyze situations on a different level and ask myself “am I saying no to an opportunity because I legitimately do not have the money now or am saving money for other travel endeavors?” or “am I saying no because I am scared and just making excuses?”  If the answer is the latter I take a deep breathe, tell myself I will be fine, accept the invitation graciously and have the time of my life.

100 days.  I have been living in Thailand for 100 days.  It feels like I have been here forever, but at the same time time has flown.  All sense of time has diminished since I have been here.  Back at home in Minnesota time is measured by the changing of seasons.  In Minnesota autumn has turned into winter, but here it has been a constant 90+ degrees every day only briefly dipping to a cool 85 on a couple of days.

100 days.  These 100 days have been the most defining days of my nearly 33 years.  These 100 days have changed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  These 100 days have been the wildest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on.  Some days I have felt like I am in the front car of Raging Bull at Six Flags plunging down the 202 foot drop at 73 miles per hour without being able to see the bottom.  Other days I am gently floating through the sky on the hot air balloon ride.  I have had the highest highs and lowest lows during these 100 days.  The highs definitely outweighing the lows.

During these 100 days I have learned to eat food so spicy that it would make most Minnesotans sweat just thinking about it, I have realized I would rather have spiders and geckos living in my apartment than deal with mosquitoes and I no longer freak out when there are whole fish with their heads still on at the lunch table.

Within 100 days I have embraced the Thai phrase “Mai Pen Rai” meaning “don’t worry about it” or “it’s no big deal.”  In the Thai school system (well Thailand in general) things frequently come up on a moments notice.  You may be told on Thursday afternoon that on Friday we have scouting day and you have to plan a program for groups of 90 kids.  Or that you have to come up with a 200 baht gift in 30 minutes for the staff holiday party.  Or that you have to create four 20 question exams by the next afternoon so they can be copied in time for midterm week.  When these things occur you can handle them in two ways, freak out or you can shrug your shoulders and say “mai pen rai” and just do it.  Nothing good comes out of freaking out and really in the grand scheme of life do those things really matter.  The concept of mai pen rai is one I will take back with me to America and work hard to influence as many people I can.  My wish is that everyone can experience the laid back Thai lifestyle for at least a week in their lives, it will change you forever and you will finally realize what your top priorities should be.  Family and good health.

By far my biggest accomplishment, within 100 days of living in Thailand I no longer take meds for anxiety disorder.  I have taken celexa since I have been 18 years old.  For the past 14 plus years I have been dependent on a drug to help subdue my anxious personality and help me maintain a general presence of sanity in public, but since I have settled in to my town of Phayakkaphum Phisai I no longer need the artificial assistance.  It is hard to explain the overwhelming sense of calm I feel here.  I don’t think I have words for it.  Back in America I always felt a strain on me to perform a certain way.  As good as I was at my job and as much time as I put into it, I never felt it was good enough or that I was meeting everyone’s expectations.  My mind was always consumed and I was constantly questioning if I handled situations correctly.  I was always trying to make as many people as I could happy, but I forgetting about one person…me.  My life was filled with social pressures surrounded by people following societal norms.  All my friends were getting married, having a child, having another child and then maybe another child.  Meanwhile I was living alone, just me and Barley, in the lovely suburb of Eagan, Minnesota letting my life pass me by.  I was getting more and more depressed as I was alone and others were pursuing what I thought I wanted in life.  I always thought all there was to life was having a stable job, a husband, kids and a house in the suburbs.  Then I moved to Thailand…

In Thailand I realized what my true dream was and all the pressures I had from home melted away.  My true dream was to live life for me just for once and the truth is I don’t know what I want from life right now and in Thailand that seems ok.   For the first time in my life I am experiencing a happiness I have never quite experienced before; it is like I am floating through the clouds.  I don’t feel the constant daily pressures here to be someone I am not and don’t feel the need to strive for things in my life that are the ideals of others.  I am completely me in Thailand and it is good enough for everyone.  It ok here to be a single 32 year old, nobody questions where I have been or what is coming next in my life. I don’t know if I want to be married or have kids or live the “traditional” American dream.  I have a passion for traveling and teaching and seeing the world.  I am finally learning how to live in the moment and not constantly wondering what society expects me to do next.  I come to work each day with a smile on my face greeted by excited students and gracious co-workers.  I have 54 students I teach every day and I am going to put it on the record and say I am a good teacher and finally valued for my hard work.  For the first time in my life I am constantly smiling and feel good about who I am.

Of course, I still remain anxious about my beloved mother, but I can’t expect every issue in my life to be cured!  It does help that with technology she is still only a phone call away.  I do miss my family and close friends dearly, but I am ok.

I am happy.