Author: Grace Rogers

Spoiler Alert. I’m a creep.

Friday afternoon after school, I threw some clothes and swim suits in my bag and headed off to Krabi to meet up with some XploreAsia friends again.  The journey there was much easier than last time.  I went to the van station by myself, purchased my ticket, and hopped on the correct van without any Thai assistance. When I got to Krabi I knew exactly what to do. I grabbed a motorcycle taxi for the 30 minute drive to Ao Nang, hopped on the back and we were off.  There is no better feeling in the world than cruising down an open Thailand road on a motorcycle with nothing around you except insanely rugged and striking mountains, covered in lush trees and little temples hidden back along the way.  I arrived about 4 hours before my friends, so I checked into the hostel, threw my bag on a bed, and went immediately to get a massage.  I think I will have to do a whole separate post on Thai massages.  I can’t decide if they are the most hilarious or wonderful thing in the world. Anyway, when the rest of the group got there we went straight to our reggae bar hangout that we went to every night the last time we were in Krabi.  For a bunch of people who traveled across the world to a foreign country, we sure don’t like to stray from what we know.  After the bar, we ate McDonald’s.  It tasted like home and heaven all rolled into one.  It was a great night.

The next day we decided to take a long tail boat out to an island none of us had seen yet.  There were a couple of older hikers on the boat with us who told us the beach we were headed to wasn’t great, but there is a path that would lead us to the other side of the island with an incredible beach that we should see. They said “10-15 minute walk.  Not bad at all.”  That’s when things took a turn for the worst.  We hopped off the boat and started our journey down the path.  Now let me say, the directions that these men gave us were vague, at best.  It was basically “Walk down that path.  Then turn right.  Then turn right again, and you’re there!”  I think we missed the first right turn.  It was 5 of us, me, Sofie, Maggie, Emily and her husband Ryan. We started down the trail, and it quickly turned a little more rugged than we had imagined.  The hill started to get steep.  Like, really steep. And the path started to get more and more narrow.  But we were all determined to find the beach, so we kept on.  We eventually stumbled into this little village with bungalows, restaurants, bars, and it was filled with people who were the true definition of hippies.  The shops had signs saying “Mushroom Shake” or “Weed brownies” and I’m pretty sure everyone we passed had dreads.  But it was so beautiful and cool!  To make a long story short, we eventually came down the other side of this mountain and walked out into this beach resort area….it was the beach we’d spent the entire weekend at last time.  All we could do was laugh hysterically.  Because…of course the 45 min mountainous hike in the 90 degree heat and 90 percent humidity led us to the exact beach we weren’t wanting to go.  The worst part is that it literally would’ve been a 5-10 minute swim to that beach from the beach we were dropped off at.  All we could do was laugh, rip off our clothes and sprint to the water.

I would now like to explain my title and the moment of my identity crisis.  Coming to Thailand I thought “I’m so young! I have so much time ahead of me! I can’t believe at 25 I’m getting to move to Thailand to be a teacher!”  25 is young, right? So why do I feel like I’m 93 in this country?  I go out, have 1-2 drinks, yawn, and am ready to head back to the hostel.  Before this experience, I may have been tired some nights after a couple of drinks and wanted to go home…but God forbid I leave a party early!! Now, I have absolutely no problem with it, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.  Is this what growing up feels like?  After I came home last night, I made Sofie have a heart to heart with me.  I told her about how my personality is so different here, and it’s freaking me out.  I’m usually the life of the party, the most outgoing in a group, and making friends is the easiest thing in the world for me.  But it’s not here.  I told her I’m having an identity crisis because I don’t feel like myself and don’t know who I am in Thailand.

This morning the rest of the group went out to do an island tour, and I hung back in town.  I slept in, went to get some breakfast by myself, and headed to the beach with a book and an iced coffee.  This is something you never would’ve caught me doing a year, or even 3 months ago.  I’m naturally not a very independent person.  I can barely go to Chipotle alone….for a to-go order.  But today was….well it got weird for a hot minute…

One thing I love about traveling, is meeting people from all over the world and having small conversations about where they’re from, their life, etc.  I took it too far today.

When I arrived at the beach, I laid out for a bit, read some, and looked around to see if there was anyone cool I could talk to.  One problem with Americans: I look around, see a white person, and think “Hey! You’re white. You must speak English and want to be my best friend, right?!” Let me go ahead and answer this rhetorical question.  No.  No they do not speak english and they do not want to be your friend.  For some reason I really had my eye on old, large, European couples today.  Like that was the demographic I was aiming to make friends in.  Please don’t ask me why.  I don’t know. Anytime one of them would walk by….I would just stare.  I mean blatantly stare.  Willing them to talk to me and ask me all about my life.  It didn’t happen.  So eventually I decided to roll myself off my towel and head into the water.  That was where I was sure I’d make friends with the 75 year old Europeans.  When I swam out, I started to lurk really close to couples, groups of people, singles, anyone I thought looked like they might be interested in a conversation.  But it was like, the more I tried to make friends, the more people scattered away from me.  Which really spurred me on.  I felt like some sort of unknown sea creature/predator, and all the people swimming around me were my prey.  I WAS going to find a friend.  Lurking close by people wasn’t working, so I started watching the beach for people heading into the water.  When new people would head in, I would try to eyeball their exact entrance point, and position myself directly in front, so that they’d have to make eye contact with me upon entering the water.  I basically appointed myself the Ao Nang beach Water Welcoming Committee.  Let me tell you….people will go shockingly far out of their way to avoid eye contact if they are not interested in talking to you.  This went on for about an hour and a half, until I finally gave up and headed back onto the shore.  I’d made eye contact with the couple sitting next to me, so I asked them where they were from and they said “Finland.” and I said “oh…is it cold there?”  And they responded with a very quick “Not really.”  That’s where the conversation ended.  So I rolled over and continued to read Mindy Kaling’s “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”  I also answered that question for myself today.  Yes.  Literally everyone in the world is hanging out without me.  But ya know what?  I’m okay with that.

Everyone kept saying “this experience will change your life.”  And I believed them, but I wasn’t sure how my life would change.  I’m realizing now that the change presents itself in very different ways for everyone.  For me, I can tell that my independence is changing.  Most of my happiest moments in Thailand have been moments where I’m alone. Traveling alone, exploring alone, eating dinner alone, etc.  The moments alone allow me to process my surroundings and my experience and form an opinion about what I’m going through, solely on what I’m feeling with no input or influence from others.  I can feel myself starting to grow, evolve, and change.  I feel a whole new part of myself starting to form.  I do know that this is critical for life, but it can be a very scary thing to go through.  I keep asking myself “Am I losing part of myself here?  Or is this a really amazing process that I’m going through to discover new parts of myself?”  I like to think it is the latter.

Oh! And don’t worry, I did eventually make friends with some old Europeans at the beach.  They were from Sweden, barely spoke english, but seemed really entertained by me.  One of the men had skin darker than Dave.  My sister is the only person in the world who will understand that reference, so let me say that this man looked like he had been cooking on the surface of the sun for decades, and eventually morphed into a leather sofa. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that man’s skin, or the smile he gave to me, a stranger in a foreign land, looking for a friend.

I have a lot to say, so I’m just going to dive right in.

Time feels like it is flying.  This Sunday will be 4 weeks that I’ve been in Thailand.  It feels like forever, but then I think back to what’s happening in the States and realize that people have barely put their holiday decorations away.  My sweet kindergarteners in Austin are just now starting to get back into the groove of school (or at least trying to.) How is it possible to feel like a lifetime has gone by in 1 month?

Last weekend I went to the beach with my Soi 39 loves.  There were 7 of us that met up in a small beach/tourist town called Ao Nang and it was exactly what I needed.  Ao Nang was exactly what I pictured my life being here.  Gorgeous beaches, drinks brought to us left and right, pedicures and massages, awesome bars and restaurants, long tail boats, islands, and the most beautiful water you could imagine.  I was with good friends, in a crappy dirty hostel, and loving every minute of it.  It was perfect.  And as much as I pictured that scene in my mind when picturing this experience, something happened to me on the way to Ao Nang that made me realize (or reminded me) that this isn’t about the beaches or the coconut drinks or the tan I’m going to leave with.  It is about the weird quirky moments I’m going to have along the way, that will stay with me forever and change me as a person.

The daughter of the owner of my apartment building drove me to the minivan station Thursday after school and helped me buy my ticket to make sure I didn’t get ripped off and that I actually ended up in the correct city, I love that girl.  When she left I was sitting next to an older Thai woman who started asking me questions about why I’m here, where I’m from and we chatted for a bit.  A few minutes before my van was supposed to leave, I asked her how I would know when it was my turn and she said that she would help me.  A few minutes later a man started yelling in Thai and she jumped up, pulled me out of my chair, dragged me to a van and shoved me inside.  She apparently was riding the same bus to get home, so she climbed in and sat down next to me.  She asked me where I was staying in Krabi and when I told her that I was crossing over on Railay Beach (which you need a long tail boat to get to), she looked a little uncomfortable but I ignored it and turned to stare out the window for my 2 hour ride.  A few minutes later the bus driver stopped to pick someone up, and a few minutes after that he stopped again to hop out and do something.  The lady appeared to be getting really agitated, but I figured she just needed to get home in a hurry.  After the driver got back in, the Thai lady tapped him on the shoulder and said something in Thai and all of the sudden the ENTIRE van of about 18 people erupted in a chaotic Thai conversation.  I had no idea what was going on, but I started to realize they were talking about me when I kept hearing “farang” (white person) and “Railay.”  I looked around and realized that everyone was pointing or looking at me, and some people were making frantic phone calls.  I began to freak out a little if you can imagine.  This went on for about 20 minutes until finally the Thai woman turned to me to tell me that I needed a long tail boat to Railay, and that I would be cutting it close to make the last long tail.  She told me that people were calling the dock to see when the last boat left, and that if I missed the boats I could stay with her for the night and she would take me to the pier in the morning.  That moment may be my favorite moment that I’ve had in Thailand so far.  I could tell it was no big deal to this lady, but it meant the world to me to feel like someone actually had my back and wanted to make sure I was okay in such a foreign situation.  In fact, it wasn’t just her who had my back, it was the entire van of 18 Thai strangers, all coming together to help out a strange farang.  It was extremely humbling and one of the only times I have felt truly safe and protected in this country, and that it wasn’t just me watching out for myself. Our XploreAsia director, Mike, used to joke about how for a while we will just pass Thai people and see them like trees..not people to communicate or interact with…but one day we’d start looking at them like humans.  That day I started looking at the Thai people as humans that I can actually interact and make connections with, even for just short fleeting moments.

After that moment of clarity, happiness, and a brief high of excitement to be in this place, I ended up sitting on a sketchy dark street corner for 2 hours waiting for my friend to meet me so we could head to the pier together.  When we finally got to the pier, we figured out that we actually weren’t staying in Railay for the weekend, but in Ao Nang which is actually about a 30 min Songteaw ride from Krabi.  Basically I was responsible for raising the blood pressure of 18 Thai people for absolutely no reason.  I met a man at DFW Airport the day I left who told me that he’d lived in Thailand for a while, and he said “It is a wonderful place, but you will definitely have peaks and valleys.”  It makes me laugh so hard now, because I could never have imagined how true that statement would be.

The beach was a peak.  A type of peak you can’t explain to anyone.  It was very hard to leave my friends on Sunday and come back to my town.  I knew that meant going back to work, no beach time, no Soi 39 girls, no dirty hostel where we all lived in one room. I miss the dirty hostel!

When I was leaving Ao Nang, I went to 3 different information desks to ask how to get to the minivan station to go back to Thungsong, and every single one of them said the exact same thing.  “Thungsong? Can you spell it? Are you sure you have the name right? What country is it in? Thungsong? No…no that town doesn’t exist.” (That’s when you know you live in a small town.  It’s two hours away from Ao Nang.)  I’m not sure I’ve ever been that frustrated in my life.  It’s hilarious now.

Thungsong does exist, though.  It is my life now.  Thungsong is going to have a profound impact on me and I will look back on this town for the rest of my life, probably with mixed feelings.  But for whatever reason, this is where I am, and it is very much real.  After a month in Thailand I can feel myself coming back to life.  I’m not going to sugarcoat my experience for anyone, and I will be straight up honest…I completely skipped the honeymoon phase.  But I am started to breathe deeply again, and I can feel my smile becoming more genuine every day that I’m here.  Tonight I went out to dinner with a Thai woman for her birthday and a few of the foreigners here.  I had ridden my motorbike to dinner and was wearing a flow-y cotton skirt.  On the way home from dinner the wind was blowing hard and as soon as I turned onto the highway my skirt completely blew up and I couldn’t get it back down.  I was flying down a dark, empty highway on my bike with Stitch on the seat and my skirt pressed against my shirt and I just busted out laughing.  I laughed the whole way home, and it was a peak.

Hello All!

I meant to begin this long before I left for Thailand, but things were slightly busy, you know, with the holidays and my impending move across the world.  However, I’ve had several people ask for recordings of this strange adventure, so here we go.

I have now been in Thailand for exactly 2 weeks.  And I still feel like the emoji with the wide eyes, red cheeks, and terrified expression.  More often than not during the day, I catch myself looking around thinking “Where the hell am I?  What’s going on?”

First things first, let’s get something out of the way.  I was incredibly naive in coming here, and had such an idealistic image in my head of what things would be like.  I thought that I’d be teaching young Thai kids, probably kindergarten age.  They’d be the sweetest and most well behaved kids I’ve ever met, excited to learn English, and after school each day I’d head off to the beach with a giant coconut alcoholic beverage in my hand, with all of my new best friends.  Update: That is not happening.  That is not my life here.

Let me back up to my first week.  Landing in Bangkok was a jolt into reality.  After 30 something hours of travel, becoming incredibly ill on my first 15 hour flight, sleeping maybe 4 hours in 2 days, and then landing in a country where suddenly I couldn’t read any of the signs, understand what anyone was saying, identify smells, see familiar shops/brands/landmarks etc., snapped me into a feeling of “wait….actually, nevermind.  I think I want to go home.”  I barely remember my day in Bangkok.  It seems like it happened months ago.  The jet lag was awful, the culture shock was scary, and I was overcome with anxiety about what I had just signed up for.  However, I survived Bangkok (even though there were some tears at the rooftop pool.Who cries at a rooftop pool?!).  Bangkok all happened very quickly and we left early the next morning for our orientation week in Hua Hin.

Hua Hin:  The culture shock was (still is) bad and I felt very unsure of my surroundings and everything that was happening.  We went to class every day in the XploreAsia office, that became a cozy little home for our group of about 23.  I lived in a place called Soi 39, with some of the best girls I’ve ever met.  Most days were filled with class, culture and language lessons.  NYE was amazing and we had a huge party on the beach, lit lanterns to send up into the sky, and all wrote our fears about this experience down on wood sticks and burned them in a fire.  It was at that moment that I started to feel some peace.  And then due to 3 Mai Thais and a tequila shot, the feeling of peace, turned into a feeling of an immediate urge to start doing hair flips in the middle of a dance circle.  Thank goodness for hilarious friends that also do weird dance moves, and for late class start times on New Years Day.  We continued the week with Muay Thai fight lessons, temple visits, pineapple farms, elephant cuddles, fish pedicures, night markets, our traditional morning breakfast shop, and my personal favorite, late night dinners and talks on the porch with the Soi 39 girls. Going into Hua Hin I was scared, sad, unsure, doubtful, curious, excited, and scared some more.  Unfortunately, I feel like that hindered my ability to enjoy every moment and soak it all in.  Now I look back on Hua Hin with such nostalgia. I miss my friends there, Soi 39, the XploreAsia office that felt so safe, Chub Cheeva (a restaurant we visited daily), the beach, the Christmas lights strung up on the main street, the mall…I miss everything about that place.  The night I left was probably the scariest night of my life.

**If anyone is wondering what it means to have a VIP ticket on an overnight bus in Thailand…it means a comfy seat, Thai television, and also being woken up in the middle of the night, forced off the bus (keep in mind the language barrier, so I had no idea why I was being forced off the bus, I just knew a Thai lady was yelling at me to get off), being taken into a large concrete room with strange food on the tables and being forced to eat.  I didn’t want to eat.  I didn’t want to eat at all.  I didn’t want to get off the bus and not understand what was going on.  I didn’t want to be forced to eat strange foods that clearly had been sitting out for hours.  Lesson #1 in Thailand….you will have to do a LOT of things you DON’T want to do.  And you have to roll with it.  Because, what is the other option?  As I’ve said to many of you…my mantra continues to be “I came here for an adventure.”

Thung Song: I am now living in my placement town, Thung Song.  Pronounced Toong Song (I’ve already gotten so many Thong Song jokes…super mature.)  The town is small.  30,000 to be exact.  The town is also very spread out, which means that this week I will have to get a motorbike to get around.  This isn’t something that I wanted to do, but I hope that I will quickly get used to it.  There are about 20 other foreigners living here, which is nice.  Most of them are South African, a couple Americans, and a few Europeans.  It’s nice to have a community built in here, but that doesn’t take away much of the culture shock.  This is definitely not a tourist town.  As a new foreigner here, the Thai’s just stop and stare when I walk by.  School is MUCH different than I thought it would be.  I have close to 1,000 students.  18 classes of around 50 students each, that I see once a week.  Breaking News: Teenagers are teenagers no matter where you are in the world.  I asked each of my classes last week to write down an introduction of themselves for me, including their name, nickname, favorite sport, age, favorite activity, etc.  One student wrote a favorite activity that was so vulgar I cannot publish it on a public forum.  In America I’d send that kid to the principal’s office.  In Thailand…what do you do?? You stare.  Jaw on the floor. A nervous/shocked laugh might escape.  And just keep saying, No! No! No!  At least that’s what I did anyway.  He eventually white-ed it out and wrote “My favorite activity is to play on Facebook.”  I dismissed the class pretty quickly after that.  Sometimes I think back to my image of all the sweet Thai kindergarteners falling in love with me and being excited to come to school and learn English, and then I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

The crying is slowly turning into laughter though.  I don’t know how it’s only been 2 weeks in this country.  It seems like months have gone by.  So I try to take a deep breath every day and remind myself that I wanted the challenge, I wanted the adventure, and this experience is changing me for the better.  I already know that I am stronger than I was 3 weeks ago.

I will leave you with this parting word.  Yesterday, I found myself sitting on my bed eating a bag of Hot Chili Squid flavored Lay’s potato chips.  I started to think back on my life and question all of the decisions I’ve made that led me to that moment.  And then I woke up this morning and immediately started craving the Squid chips.  I don’t know what my life is anymore. #rollingwithit

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and prayers!! I will continue to keep you informed of this crazy ride called Thailand.  Sending my love from across many many time zones and oceans.